Microfiction Revisions: Two Spooky Little Stories

Original Texts:

Got Ya

I ran. I ran as fast as I possibly could, the branches whipping at face, grabbing at my hair. It was almost as though he somehow had control of the branches, commanding them to stop me. Crack. I felt a pain in my chest before the realization hit me. I was on the ground. A scream rose from my lungs as I tried to move my ankle. No. It couldn't be. I closed my eyes and counted to three, willing my ankle to mend itself so I could run. I opened my eyes and the scream burst forth. "Got ya."

Lipstick

I couldn't help but give an exasperated sigh, knowing full well that this lady would never get the right shade of red for my lipstick. Although, I suppose it is hard to make lipstick look vibrant when you're putting it on a corpse.

This is different image than I used in the original story, but I think these woods are more of what I am envisioning for "Got Ya"

(Image by Pete Linforth from Pixabay)

Revisions:

Got Ya

I dash through the lightless woods, begging my legs to move faster. Branches whip my face and grab my hair with such fervor it feels purposeful, almost like he is commanding them to stop me. 

Crack. The pain from my ankle registers before my brain understands, but then it hits me: I'm down. My scream fills the chilly air as moonlight bounces off the bone now exposed to the night sky. I close my eyes and count to three, willing my ankle to mend itself. 

One... leaves are rustling behind me. 

Two... I sense a presence above me. 

Three..."Got ya."

Shade of Red

I understand the makeup artist doesn't know what my personal preferences are, and I don't mean to be obnoxious, but I can't help my exasperation with the shade of red she's chosen. Although, I guess I should cut her some slack, given that it's probably difficult to make lipstick look vibrant when you're putting it on a corpse.

Author's Note:

I definitely changed things up with these revisions! I wanted to really place the reader in the woods during the first story, so I tried to activate all my verbs and change up the structure of the whole thing. I am much more pleased with the revised version. For the second story, I changed up the first sentence quite a bit. I felt like the original wasn't as exciting or enticing, so I wanted to draw the reader in more. I also change the title to something a little less on the nose.